Long Overdue Apology

Dear Girls from 7th Grade,

I am sorry that I didn’t invite you to my girl/boy birthday party. I am 31 now and all grown up, but I still carry this guilt. I’m sure that you have long since forgotten that you weren’t invited to my party, but I have not. Because we went about the days after the party quite awkwardly and I was too chicken to explain myself, let me do it here. Yes, I know this is a blog that you do not read, that you don’t even know exists, but if by chance you stumble upon this letter…I will feel better.

(You’re probably thinking that an apology shouldn’t be self-serving, but if you’ve seen the “Friends” episode about there being NO unselfish good deeds, then you’ll understand that MY feeling better is just a consequence of the apology. We’ll have to deal with this factor and apologize for it later.)

The party: My mom allowed a girl/boy party that was spent outdoors playing and horsing around. She put a cap on my invitation count. I pleaded for a small amount of wiggle room, but she held firm. I understand this now, but was fairly upset then.

I WANTED to invite you, S. We were friends; I always enjoyed your birthday parties, and felt you were a genuine person with a good heart. I struggled with inviting you, A, for the simple fact that you were self-confident enough even in 7th grade that you’d already established yourself separate from most of my other guests. You walked your own way when the rest of us were trying to stay in line and do as the others were doing.

Because you two were such good friends, and I knew in my heart that A wouldn’t want to come, I didn’t want S to feel awkward during the party. So instead of making it my goal to be a good hostess and entertain the guests who might stand to the side, I just didn’t invite either of you. Had my mother allowed me to squeeze in two more invitations, it would have been you two. No, I take that back. Had she allowed me FOUR more, it would have been you two and then two more fellows. I wanted an even number of girls and boys.

So that’s it. That’s the only reason I didn’t invite you. It sounds so silly now, admitting it, but it was a burden I carried all through junior high and high school. I feared then and still do now that you only saw me as a follower of the popular crowd, another “too cool for you” personality. And what laughs you would share if you stumbled on this blog and saw that I became a homely blogger apologizing online to the open air!!

The few times we’ve bumped into one another, S, I always wanted to blurt this story/explanation/plead of forgiveness to you. But 18 years have passed and I would just feel the silliness wash over me as if I were standing in Niagara Falls. Maybe we can laugh about this at a class reunion? I know, I know…I organized the 10-year reunion we had 2 years ago and we saw one another then, but I’m sure you noticed I was intoxicated to the point where talking to me about anything significant would have been futile. I have already promised to NOT drink at the next reunion, so what do you say we chat about this in….say….3-7 more years, and clear the air? For my peace of mind since I’ve apparently convinced myself I was the victim of junior high girl anxiety and party-cap limits.

Until next time,
Your 7th grade acquaintance