I Could Be Dear Abby

Don't you wonder sometimes, WHAT exactly got people where they are? How do you BECOME the lady who dispenses all things wise and related? Seriously. But what baffles me more than how she got there is that she's not saying anything that someone with common sense couldn't figure out. Or maybe I should say that she isn't saying anything that someone with common sense AND the ability to DECIDE something couldn't figure out. All these letter writers really want is someone to make their mind up for them. That way all blame goes onto someone else.

Take for example this poor person:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently attended a spaghetti dinner. Is there a proper way to eat long noodles, or should one just put in a forkful and slurp up the noodles until they are gone?

My advice?
Bring your kids along. Kids make everything less formal and therefore MORE FUN. Slurp away. Screw that whole "spinning it onto a fork from a spoon" theory.

Now take this poor person's dilemma:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I recently watched a comedy that featured men cross-dressing. Ever since, I have had a burning desire to have my husband wear sexy lingerie and makeup.
There is nothing effeminate about him, but I can't get this out of my head. I bought him a lacy bra and panty set, garter belt and stockings, but I haven't had the nerve to ask him to wear them. Am I crazy? Should I try to forget this?

My advice?
Hell yes you're nuts!!! Men don't need bras! You should have gotten a nightgown instead. And any sober man will not admit to wanting to do this, so get him really intoxicated and then dress him after he's passed out. When he wakes up, you'll know if he's "alright" with the change or not. Be prepared to run, though.

And finally, this poor lady. Or man? Who knows.
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with "John" for the past seven years. I live down south, while John lives up north. John is 76 and does not plan to retire, even though he doesn't have to work. I am 65 and need to work.
Is it possible for this long-distance relationship to survive? Part of me wishes we would end it so we could start over with someone who lives in the same city. I'm tired of living this way, but cannot seem to make the break. What should I do?

My advice?
Seriously? You WANT a relationship at 65? If I were alone at 65, I'd jump up and down on the bed and be happy I get to sleep in it alone. Count your blessings.

All of these Dear Abby letters were found here. Obviously my advice to these three scenarios are NOT serious. Except the slurping. I really think spaghetti should be slurped. Don't you?