My future wasn't a fantasy of mine, or images dancing in my head. To best describe it, I knew "below the surface" that I'd have a family, be a wife, be a mom....but I never envisioned HOW I'd get there. I suppose I've just been one of those who takes life as it comes, and WHAT comes, will be.
It wasn't until Hubs and I experienced several speedbumps with Till that I took a long, hard look at HOW I was parenting. He came to live with us when he was 7, in the first couple months of 2nd grade. It was a very rough transition for him, and for us. I was experiencing mommyhood stardom with TO, only 14 months old at the time Till moved in, and the doting I had been providing TO had to switch to older child parenting for Till.
Over these past four years, there seems to be one rule above all others that I find most beneficial for the children, and that is this:
Speak only on the actions and emotions already expressed, and keep tangents in communication to a minimum.
Let me expand.
Hubs is a good communicator, if a little long-winded at times. He can be harsh, but he always follows up discipline with discussion. I tend to mix the two into one very short lesson. I noticed I started having concerns with Hubs' discussions when they dragged out and he started inquiring into thoughts, feelings, and emotions that were not necessarily PART of the particular incident at hand. And not all emotions are at hand (and in the conscious) with children so young.
Instead of asking the child directly, "How did that make you feel?" he was given prompting questions. "Did it make you angry? Did you get mad at the teacher? Did you turn over your desk?"
Prompting questions, to me, only give the child the opportunity to realize ALL THE OTHER WAYS they can behave, or feel, or react. Now, I understand these little people we raise have minds of their own and I'm not naive enough to assume I am their only influence. However, prompting questions can be very hazardous, lead to tunneled discussions, or influence the kids unknowingly.
I would talk to Hubs afterward and ask him to refrain from suggesting things like, "Did you feel left out? Were the kids picking on you at recess?" Oftentimes, the specific incident at hand didn't reveal that any of these issues might be a concern, Hubs was using his ADULT understanding of how things progress into difficult situations. For children, it is often much more simple. That is not to take away from their ability to comprehend complexity, but just that their experience tally is so much less, we should practice caution in "showing them" how much more is to come.
Another concern we experienced with Till (and all children experience it at some point) was the opinions and words of others. When another child attacks yours with words, it's our first reaction to "fix" whatever those words injured or broke in our child. Self-esteem, pride, attachment. But what if we stop acting like they are broken by such slights? I chose to approach Till during these moments with this attitude:
Simply learn how not to be.
Sounds easy, right? We, as adults, know that it is not. But if you can ingrain in your child that the actions and words of their schoolmate are only a reflection of that OTHER child, you won't give your child a possible "victim" mentality. While children can and WILL feel like victims at times, and rightfully so, we can teach them to NOT absorb other people's actions and words as reflections of themselves, but instead as lessons to be learned.
When Till was called, "stupid" at school, we asked him one question. "Are you?" He immediately got defensive and answered NO, but we slowed him down and asked him, "So was that statement a reflection of YOU or of the person who spoke it? If they do not know you well enough to know you are an intelligent child, then they are the ones who are mistaken. Just learn how those words affected you, and learn how not to be toward others."
Some people, including Hubs at times, find my way of thinking naive. They say it's too simplistic. I say, "Stop complicating life so much." It isn't that hard, folks. Don't dwell on what didn't happen or what wasn't said, focus only on what occurred. Don't dwell on how the actions or words of others are irresponsible or detrimental, instead focus on how their actions can help you grow, and what you can learn from it.
The mentality of being offended doesn't apply much to me. I cannot be offended by what others say or do, even if they include me in their thoughts. Why not, you ask? Simple. If someone speaks ill of me, or my family, or my friends, they apparently do not know us. And how can I be offended by someone who hasn't taken the time to know us? It is their unfortunate loss to speak or act on what they do not know, and this is what I try and instill in my children.
Take the time to get to know someone. Do not let other people's opinions cloud your own judgment of a situation, or of a third party. Take control of how you ACT and REACT. Simplify. I challenge each of you, struggling with our adult concerns of self-esteem and societal standards. See if you can bounce off the words, take in the lesson, and use it in the future to be kinder or more sympathetic to a stranger. It's what I'm hoping my children will do.
