But there's the other guilt....the one that is paired with "But....". It's like handing you a blessing and following it with a sentence starting with "but...this comes with baggage."
The baggage I'm talking about isn't always direct. It's not always spoken. Sometimes it's simply alluded to....either by facial expressions or in your own mind. It's built into the personality of those around you or even into YOUR personality.
Take kids who are fortunate enough to have parents who paid for their college. That's a wonderful gift, right? And those kids probably thanked their parents numerous times for the generosity. But those of us left to pay for school on our own might hold some resentment. We might even project that onto these kids who were gifted something generous. We might be jealous and they might be fortunate, and now we've unknowingly (or knowingly) shoveled guilt soup down their throat.
My concern with this guilt, either being the shoveler or the shovelee, is that it's oftentimes spoken of with such casual airs. I've been guilty of "teasing" someone who might be complaining about money that they have nothing to complain about...they have no student loans staring at them for 10-15 years, or no car payment, or no daycare. I've done it and I'm not proud.
But I recognize it. And I'm doing my best to try and find joy in the blessings others have that I might not. What good will it do to try and make them feel LESS fortunate? It only hurts me to feel jealous or slighted. And honestly, while they receive blessings in one form, I can honestly call my lack of fortune a blessing as well. The money management and work ethic I gained is as valuable as the lessons they probably learned from parents who could provide a monetary blessing.
Have you ever been on the receiving end of projected guilt? That's just as frustrating. What do you do? Do you go into guilt mode and start apologizing for what you've received? Do you stay silent while people vent their lack of blessing "luck" on the fact that you have some?
I sometimes feel this way with regard to my weight. I sometimes feel this way with regard to having babies. Sometimes I feel this way because I'm married to a
I fluctuate constantly about how to respond. I worry that I will sound callous and uncaring if I justify my blessings, but on the flip side do I always have to stay silent to make the projector feel better? When I am the projector, I want to be put in my place. I try and remember to put myself in "the corner" before being cut down to size for sounding like a whiner. Most of all, though, I'm trying to reconcile with myself that we all receive blessings in our lives in many different forms. What one has, another will not...and you know what? That's okay.
In the end, we're all going to die anyway. Except Tupac.
18 comments:
Yes, yes and yes. I've been there too...all the way around. Unfortunately the biggest guilt pusher in our family is my hubby's parents. We can't hardly breathe to them that we might take a family vacation and we get the heaviest *sigh* ever. Not sure why they aren't happy that we are making memories. It ruins it for us. Worse yet, when they plan to go on a cruise they start with an excuse why they succumbed to the great price and bought it. Oh it is just miserable. I'm with you....just be happy for others' blessings and recognize your own in your life. Easier said than done though. Glad you brought it to our attention as a reminder. Thank you!
And I laughed out loud about Tupac!
Or Elvis.
Finding joy in blessings is such a big thing. So important yet so hard for so many of us!
I think that there are always going to be those people who will make you feel guilty for the things you're lucky enough to have and appreciate. I usually just stay silent--sometimes when people are unhappy, they just need to vent. It's not right of them to make you feel bad for their own problems, though!
I always look back to college and one of my college buddies and remember his simple outlook on life.
"Happiness is a warm place to go to the bathroom."
He also said:
"The two biggest wastes of time in life are pumping gas and going to the bathroom."
As you can see... he had a simple outlook - and even that was conflicted.
I have friends who have student loans or have to pay for day care but I don't feel guilty that I don't have those things. We don't run around spending money like crazy and expect people to do the same. We save our money. When asked we are honest and say we have no debt. I don't think our friends feel animosity towards us they know they will get to that place some day.
I would say the answer to your question is "YES!" I feel this way sometimes too.
I also get sick of hearing, "Oh, you grew up in Jo***** County. You were spoiled. You had everything." I did have nice things, but I wasn't GIVEN everything like people think. My parents made me work my butt off in school, and I always had a job (since 15 years old).
People are often joking, but it does get old. I would rather not be from there. In fact, I tell people my parents live in KC. I would say this is a little bit of guilt. In my head, I feel guilty (or ashamed) about being from that place.
I get that guilt all the time! Especially with my weight. It's like people want you to apologize for being skinny...gosh, I can't help it!
I hate that feeling that you need to apologize for something you have no control over! But at the same time I know I've given people some projected guilt with regards to infertility. It's not that I purposely do it and I feel bad, but maybe it's one of natures ways of reminding us that we're all human and that we all need each other!
Oh boy, do I know what you mean. Growing up (and still to this day) I was always blessed with a dad who'd provide the world for me and my sibs. My parents came to this country from not much and dad managed to get here and own a small business. My siblings and I were never required to work til we got to and finished college because my parents themselves were never allowed to finish their education to help their family cook, clean and raise money. So they wanted their kids to focus on school and only school.
I think it's safe to say that out of my cousins, we were one of the most privileged. Mind you, we didn't have much, but we had parents who'd give us 10 bucks whenever we needed it, who'd pay for us to go hang out, etc. My cousins would constantly throw that in our face usually through off-handed comments and jokes that really hurt. And thing is, I never brought up money because I understood that it'd be an issue for some of them, but they constantly felt the need to bring it up whenever we made plans ("Oh, don't worry, I'm sure your dad will pay for it.") It also hurt because my parents were extremely giving with the rest of the family, always chipping in to help anyone who needed a hand or giving the cousins a couple bucks each time they'd visit. So it felt like a slap every time they made our blessing feel like a bad thing.
Once I got my job, I was absolutely elated to be able to fend for myself and not need my dad's money anymore. And yet still, I've gotten comments from some cousins saying, "Wait, you actually pay for your cell phone? Right." "Yes, and I have been for years!!" UGH! But of course, I never explain how much this has bothered me my whole life.
So thanks to growing up with that, instead of being grateful when dad says he's here for me and let him know if I need help (esp now with the recent unemployment), I resent him and wish we'd grown up with no money at all.
(Sorry for the looong comment. This should make up for my absence.)
Sadly, I have been the receiver and projector, not realizing the discomfort it causes and not knowing how to even respond. What an eye opener....
That was deep. I think Tupac would agree.
Wow, you popped into my head and wrote me a post! Thank you for bringing up both scenarios because I tend to focus on only the situation from my current perspective and I've been there, on both ends. And whining less is on my to do this year!
I used to player-hate the kids in college who drove BMWs and partied in S. Padre over spring break while I was waiting tables ...waa waa for me. I should have been thankful that I live in a country where upward social mobility is attainable. I should have been thankful for having such a wonderful college experience. I had a hundred reasons to be thankful instead of begrudging, but only through life experience did I reach this perspective.
(BTW, I hope to give my kids more, but not so much that they take it for granted.)
I do find myself praying words of gratitude for all that we have. I felt so guilty one day recently while I was nursing my baby in a big comfy chair in our safe home while thinking about what is going on in Haiti.
Guilt is an ever-present theme in my head. I think its God motivating me to act and do for others with the gifts I've been given.
That sounds easy...why isn't it?
I get the guilts all the time. I try really hard not to project that onto others- especially in regards to my skinny friends.
That last sentence cracked me up.
I've struggled with the guilt thing. Probably because I've had HUGE flaws in my life and so I've focused on that and wondered if I "deserve" good things happening to me. So when someone has done that thing where their lack of something makes them resent my blessings, I probably have apologized. I'm learning not to do that. I'm learning to see myself and my life and how I relate a little differently than I have in the past. Learning is hard work! :)
you really hit the nail on the head with this post! what bothers me most when someone tries to consciously/subconsciously make me feel guilty for my blessing(s) is that they are discounting the hard work or sacrifice that went into attaining it. I don't have a fairy godmother or magic genie just granting my every heart's desire or wish. When I take a vacation or buy or get a new job/promotion or get to stay home with my kid...I worked for those things!
I have learned to not assume that rich people/kids have it so great either. Who knows what their situation is really like and whether having everything paid for is really a lucky thing?
Great post.
When I was married to my first husband my brother who is a year younger than me and whom just had his son, use to harrass me all of the time about having a nice car, money in the bank, etc. He said it must be nice to not have to worry about feeding a baby or day care expense. It was at that moment that I had to sit him down and utter the words "do you think it's easy for me to have a baby because buddy I have been trying and I"m failing miserably." Sometimes while it may appear that others have it great, they really may not. But I totally get what you are saying.
Man, a good thoughtful post.
I try not to make others feel bad because they've been blessed with things I haven't. I try to be conscious of even hinting at it accidentally because they shouldn't feel bad about what they have. And I shouldn't feel slighted. But it just happens sometimes. When it does, i try to make mention and apologize. We've all got our own lot.
Also remember there are those that are blessed, but refuse to see them as blessings.
It's the same principle of people who always feel they're the only one going through a difficult time. You think your life is soooo bad, but you don't always know what someone else is going through.
Coming late to the party on this one but I so feel you! Yes. I do recognize though, that I have been guilty of projecting guilt at times. Mostly to my sister whose life is a kick ass fairy tale (to steal a phrase from a parody blog I love). But it's not of course, it's just a life, but she is my sister and thus I am allowed to be openly jealous of her, right ;) I do feel guilty about my blessings and when something good happens I immediately start looking over my shoulder for the slap down. Nice.
Great post.
Ok...don't know how I missed this post...but glad I came to it. I think I'm WAY guilty of projecting guilt on others for various reasons. I struggle with my weight, so I sish I had an amazing metabolism like, ahem, you :) Or I wish I didn't have years of student loans facing me. Or I wish my husband had an 8-5 job Mon-Fri so we could spend our weekends together.
But you know the saying..."Wish in one hand, spit in the other...got the same thing..."
Good food for thought.
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