I've never really had a fear of having children. Of their cost. Of their burden. Hubs and I have been surprised by all three pregnancies, the first (our six year old) before we were married. Even then, I did not worry. Maybe I'm an exception. Maybe I truly didn't grasp the enormity of what we were undertaking.
I do know this. I'd found a way to make everything before him work. I would find a way to make THIS work. I can state with certainty that I have always been under the feelings of "what will be, will be", and that's never been in moments of financial security. I've never lived in moments of financial security. Not once in my entire life. :)
I also believe that if I had the strength in faith that some friends have, if I put full thought and preparation into what I thought God would want for me before each of my pregnancies, I might have followed a different path. I might have followed through on actually using birth control. I would have realized the significant impact daycare costs would tally on my paycheck. I may not have my blessings that I do.
The only true faith I have practiced consistently is that I have always felt that things will work out. Maybe that's because I have a great familial support system. Maybe that's because I have an inflated belief in my capabilities and survival skills. Maybe it's because God knows I'm trying to find my way to his comfort like so many have, and therefore given me hurdles to show that I have a support larger than what's here on Earth. Maybe he knows that I could handle the challenges that a baby presented to me, but knows that my struggle is deeper in trusting him. BOOM - baby, and thus a growing sense that something larger than goodness in people and trust in myself is out there.
Maybe he knows that some already have his love, and some already feel him in their life. He might know that the challenges and rewards a baby presents are not within their means. It's easy for someone like me with three great surprises in the form of babies to say "they aren't that hard, you find ways to make it work". What if things I struggle with on a daily basis are easy for THEM? I've been blessed with gifts to receive one thing, they've been blessed to receive gifts in another form.
Knowing what's our decision to make or what we need to leave up to "chance" is a personal experience. And with much thought and care, and true understanding of what you need when you NEED it will become clear in due time. I just hope my "God is in my life, truly" moment is more of the AHA! variety than the "watching bread rise" type. I like clarity and sure-fire proof. Maybe I shouldn't call it fire.....
9 comments:
I liked it when I read it at REbecca's blog and I like it now. You have always struck me as someone "in a good place". I think that's what draws me to you. I don't know if I'm "in a good place" but I definitely try to be with most things...and by that I mean, I try to remember to be content in the moment and not stress about things out of my control.
I love your take on how maybe getting three "surprise" babies is easy for you, and others would see it not so much as a blessing. But yet, you struggle with other things that others would deem "easy".
As we Catholics say (a lot) we all have our own crosses to bear. For some people, fertility and lots of children are a cross to them. For others infertility is a cross. For others, financial struggles, and on and on. I always try to remember that whatever my "cross" is on a given day, I try to remember to look for what I need to learn from it...what, from that cross, is going to make me stronger? It's hard to remember some times and the lesson is not always clear.
Thanks for re-posting your comment because I really did enjoy it. :)
Nice post... Children are such a blessing.
You are lucky that getting pregnant has been easy. For some of us, even that part is difficult. But, as you say, what will be, will be. I believe that it will happen when it's meant to happen.
The financial part is always difficult whether you planned to have a child or were surprised by one. There is just no way to prepare for what kids cost!! Besides, they are worth every penny and then some!
I love Michelle's comment! Your posts first made me ask: Is she pregnant and this is her way of telling us? :o)
I too am Catholic, and with everything being thrown at me right now in my life, I too question the faith and the need for crosses in the first place that we must bare. But then I remember a saying I saw years ago. Someone had asked the all famous "why me?" when things were bad, and God answered "Why not you?"
Yea, what she (Michelle) said! I agree completely.
What a great post! When I first got pregnant, I have to admit that I started worrying about how we were going to make it work financially. And it started really eating away at me... taking the excitement out of my pregnancy. But you know what? Just like you, we always find a way to make it work and I really didn't think this would be any different. So I started to relax. I have to tell myself - sometimes on a daily basis - that He won't give me any more than I can handle. I firmly believe that. And as long as I remember it, then I'm alright.
I love this post. Seriously. I look at people and think, "gosh I'd so much rather have THAT trial" but really, I think my trials were tailor-made for me. If they were easy, what would be the point?!
I always love hearing your thoughts on God. You are in the right place with the right frame of mind...constantly growing and searching, but so content too.
And some of us live alone and will never have children.
But then - the world has enough and others are seeing to the supply.
I've been told I'm not religious - I am - I'm not evangelical about it - because I'm not sure what the "right answer(s)" are... I admire people that "think" they know in that they are serene in the comfort of what they believe.
Nice place to be if you can get there.
I've always like your view that "whatever will be, will be" and that whatever happens, you just have to dust yourself off and keep going. Talking to you and having you remind me of this, that things WILL be okay, have served me a great deal of comfort in the years (TWO YEARS now, Toojie!) that I've known you.
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