I have never been one for absolutes. Never say never, for example. I rarely catch myself saying "I always....", and I don't like lumping things into all or nothing.
And then tonight I was posed the relatively straight-forward question, "Are you happy in your marriage?"
It wasn't a face to face conversation, but instead through Facebook. This allowed me a slight moment's hesitation for two reasons. First, I knew the inquirer wanted a yes or no answer. That's just how they are. Second, Hubs and I go through periods of difficulty and are currently breaking one. But ultimately?
My fingers typed "yes".
And then I followed it with some jibberish about their question not being a yes or no question. I said it's difficult to maintain happiness in a marriage when children are little and finances aren't secure. Finding the happiness through the stress is a difficult task, and it takes practice and repeated efforts and reminders to find the joy in your partner. The everyday can BEAT.YOU.UP.
Let's be honest. It's so easy to distract yourself that you're doing the right thing because you care for the kids, feed them and bathe them, do their laundry and clean their rooms, and love on them and read them books. Those are the RIGHT things to do in a marriage. Right?
No, those are the right things to do as a PARENT.
And then you distract yourself that you're doing the right thing because you worked a full day, came home and picked up the laundry from the bedroom floor and straightened bathroom towels, did a load of dishes before cooking dinner and then washed the dinner dishes as well. Those are the RIGHT things to do in a marriage. Right?
No, those are the right things to do as a HOME OWNER.
So why did I answer yes?
Because Hubs listens to me when I speak rationally. He believes in my parenting. He randomly rubs my feet. He understands I do more housework than he does. He plays with the children outdoors. He pushes them on the swing, and shoots basketball. He talks to them. He recognizes his own need for personal time. He recognizes mine. He compliments me. He tries, harder than me sometimes.
So why should he answer yes, if asked?
Because I'm a good parent and a decent home owner? Lord, do I have work to do.
5 comments:
See, I think those things are good for your marriage. Your marriage begot some children...so I think caring for them IS part of taking care of your marriage. Loving the little people that are half of your hubs is most definitely taking care of him, too.
And the housework?? Yup, when you care about the person you vowed to spend your life with, sure, making your environment more livable is nurturing your marriage.
Don't sell yourself short. :)
PS: I don't think doing the laundry necessarily makes me happy...but I think it makes my husband happy, LOL
I love your deep thoughts. I agree with Michelle, being a good mom and a good home owner definitely contribute to harmony in the home and by extension the marriage. Too much focus on the mothering or the home maintenance can also be at the expense of the marriage, and often is.
It's a good one to ponder.
I would say I am happy in my marriage because being with my husband feels like coming home. I always know he will be there for unconditional love and support, I never feel insecure around him. He's got my back and I've got his. He's my port in the storm of life. We are a team. Plus he is fun, makes me laugh and I love being with him in every way.
It sounds like you have a great marriage and your recognition of your husband's positive traits and contribution probably goes a long way toward making it that way.
I've so missed your philosophy and way of thinking. We really think the same on alot of things. I'm so glad your back. Being married is a lot of work. I don't think people realize it when they first get married. Thus maybe the divorce rate being high? Either way, Marriage is a compromise. Give and take. Making sure each others needs are met, that want's get met once in awhile, and caring about the person. You can't go into it "expecting" more then your willing to give. With my husband being so ill, our marriage has definitely been tested, but i think it's brought us much closer as well. Because on the good days, we cherish our time together.
It's funny that you wrotes this, because I have been thinking about it after a big blowup with my husband yesterday. and you are completely right. I just find it so hard to have anything left to give after doing so much, it's a major challenge. Thanks for the food for thought.
Marriage is a complex and complete package... home (not house) and all the folks under the roof are all part the bundle, me thinks...
...but hey... I ain't married.
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