My sister called me last night and asked that we chat about what to do with Mom and Dad. I was confused. Our parents are divorced, so I wasn't sure if something happened between Thanksgiving night and Friday night to cause a stir about Christmas time shared. I wasn't sure if she was being funny about some anecdote that I missed while most of them had the day off and probably saw one another.
No.
She wanted to talk about what to do with them when they become...well...OLD. She didn't want to be having the same discussion she witnessed over lunch on Friday. Apparently my dad's siblings all decided to discuss my 90 year old grandmother and what she should and shouldn't do. Understandably, the 9 of them didn't agree on everything.
Yes, I said 9. My dad is #4 of 9. My mom is #4 of 5. I am #2 of 5, if you want to know.
So, my sister wants to put them in a home.
Really?
I suppose I haven't thought about it much. My parents seem so capable still, at 61 and 54. The idea that we'd have to put them in a home instead of bringing them into one of ours seems strange to me yet. But I suppose if finances wouldn't allow for us to devote time and attention to their needs, it might be required. I would rather think that, by the time this decision rolls around, I'll be able to take them in and care for them as I feel we should. And what would that be like, should we take them in, and they still have their right minds about them?
Dad is so bossy.
Mom talks. A LOT. (love you Mom!)
Dad constantly does chores.
Mom constantly cleans.
Dad ALWAYS watches sports.
Mom rarely, if ever, cares to watch sports.
Dad is content at home.
Mom always likes to be out of the house.
Oh, and they're divorced.
Should Hubs and I be the ones to take them both in (seems like a rather far-fetched idea considering that last bullet point), we would:
No longer be the bosses in our home.
Never get to talk about what we wanted again.
Be forced to do chores because dad was.
Be forced to clean more because mom was.
Set up separate television viewing areas.
Leave mom alone to watch hers, because...well...we like sports.
Be separated because one would be at home with dad while the other took mom out.
To be fair to my parents, odds are good that they'll be able to sustain on their own for a very long time. With regard to my 90 year old grandmother, she hasn't lost a bit of her sharpness, her mind is strong, her memory fine it appears. She's just slowed down. She still drives, and gets her hair done weekly.
My mom's parents are 86 and 77, still living on their own as well. My aunt lives there, but doesn't need to, necessarily. They both still drive, my grandmother still works. They are starting to worry their kids as is my 90 year old grandmother, but at these ages, my parents have luck and genetics on their side.
To humor my sister, though, we can have the "talk". But she should know...if she's still single and childless and making more money, she's totally taking them both in. Just sayin'.
6 comments:
Witnessing how my dad and his siblings handled my grandparents made me believe that the seven of us (in the case of my dad and step-mom) need to be ready to step up and help them out when the time comes. Maybe we all take turns or something, LOL.
As for my mom. She lives so far away from most of us and she loves where she lives. I'm not sure she'd be happy moving in with any of us in the midwest. But chances are, by the time she needs more care, we'll all be empty nesters anyway, LOL...she's probably gonna live to be 95 or something.
It's good to think about though. And talk about. That's necessary. Don't wait until a need is imminent to try to figure out what to do. if that makes sense
Good luck with that conversation! Your parents are still so young, but I do get the need to plan and be prepared.
My dad and uncle just put my grandmother in an assisted living place. It's heaven, though she's still fighting it. She's 100% mentally there. It's her body that can't keep up. She's healthy, just not as physically young as she'd like to be.
Dad has already told me and my sister's when the time comes, he's putting him and mom somewhere like that.
So, they're making it kind of easy on us. Which we totally appreciate.
And honestly, as nice as this place is and everything they do for you...I kinda wish they'd take in 42 year olds. I'd be ecstatic!
=)
I was just making the point we should discuss this topic before it's too late and we have to scramble. And that not just one person/family should bear the full
burden of taking care of either dad or mom.
Who knows what our lives will be like when they turn old enough to have us take care of them. We can barely decide on a place to eat for dinner, how are we supposed to make a "quick" decision about what is best for our parents. It's not a bad thing to talk about. And we need enough time to get over the fight we'll have about it!!
I don't ever want to have this discussion.
Is it selfish to want to "go" first?
This is an important discussion to have. After watching Gigi struggle to stay in her home and watching my mom try to help her, it can be VERY stressful. Luckily, we were able to keep Gigi in her home, but that is not always possible. It becomes stressful on the person who has to try to run around and care for her. It worked out that my mom works part time and could help her out, but even that was hard.
With the age people live to now, long term care arrangements are almost a necessity for people. It is good that you can see the positives and negatives of having parents in your house. Some people think it would all be just fine if parents moved into their home and then find out they were wrong!
My siblings and I "jokingly" talk about who "gets" the parents when they are older, and since i'm the baby, I'm told they are mine - for the exact reasons you listed.
Mom drives everyone nuts with talk/gossip
Dad needs to be busy
and apparently they think i have the patience to deal with them - Just let them see when the time comes...LOL
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