We all make mistakes, stumble on our own foolishness, and then pick up and get going again. We brush off the dust or put a band-aid in place. Sometimes we look back over our shoulder, and take time to fill the pothole that tripped us.
But what happens when the dust leaves a stain, or the wound is still open when the band-aid falls off? We're left to stare at the foolishness once more, forced to remember our careless ways and poor choices.
"Done so many things wrong, I don't know if I can do right"*.....
There are moments when I reflect on the many, many poor choices I made over the years. While I like to believe I have learned from them, there are memories I cannot seem to escape. Some days, I tell myself that youthful impulsiveness was to blame and forgiveness is necessary. Other days, I look at my actions and wonder how I behaved in such a way I surely knew better than to do.
Some mistakes were a dozen years ago. Others were a dozen days ago.
Forgiveness is hard, whether it's meant for someone else, or whether it's meant for you and you alone. It's even more difficult when you aren't the only one who won't let you move forward. It's easy to hurt one another by reminding them of their shortcomings. Places they felt short. Failures they may have experienced.
It's in moments like this where forgiving yourself is the last thing you'll do. After all, you DID make those mistakes. And we can't forget them, can we? Lest we forget and might impulsively travel down that road again....
Every mistake I make - as an employee, as a sister, as a daughter, as a wife, as a mother, especially as a mother - weighs on me like a boulder. I can tell myself I won't make that same mistake again. I try and uphold that. But what if that one solitary moment, when that first mistake was made, was enough to leave a damaging wake?
What if a repeat performance on my part won't matter? What if I irreversibly damaged their ego, or our relationship, or their trust on the first go 'round?
Sometimes, I feel like, no matter if I played a perfect game from here until my dying day, it wouldn't matter. The damage I've done with past mistakes will be my legacy, a blurred version of who I am and want to be. Futility is a lonely feeling.
*Lyrics by Tracy Chapman
8 comments:
Take the advice of Pumbaa and Timon: "You've gotta put your past in your behind."
"No, no. You have it all wrong. You have to put your past behind you. Hakuna Matata."
You can't change things in the past and we've all made mistakes. It's all about you learn from them and improve upon your future. As your bro, I'd say you've done a lot of good and many people think highly of you, so don't beat yourself up too much.
Maybe join the Great Pillow Dive one night as a stress reliever :)
why so doom & gloom?
I tell you about those mistakes that keep haunting....they are the hardest to get over, but we can if we forgive ourselves *that is even harder*. I tell myself my daughter deserves to see her mommy happy, not wracked with guilt. She deserves to see a good example of how to own up to your mistake/brush the dirt off your shoulder/and move on.
Oh, being past mistakes - we could run a lucrative haunted hause full of them it sounds like.
I struggle with constantly beating myself up over mistakes I've made - both big and small - and nothing puts me into a funk like rehashing all of my failures. Even through prayer and the sacrament of reconciliation, I struggle with this.
I do think Pumba and Timon have it right...we must move on and move forward, but I think it is much easier said than done. The only place/way I find any peace from these ghosts is to deliberately live intentionally to not repeat the mistakes, and to make sincere efforts to make ammends when I realize I have made a mistake. It's not a perfect solution, but it keeps the anxiety and worry at bay.
You will be in my prayers friend.
I get it and I get that feeling sometimes, too. Like, can I ever, ever do enough to make it better?
There's that old thing though about how if we all threw our problems and issues in our own little piles thinking we'd swap with someone else...we'd immediately grab our problems and issues back.
I know that's true for me. So, no matter what you've done or have failed to do...it's most likely bigger to you than anyone else. Because everyone else is focused on what THEY'VE done or have failed to do.
You are so absolutely not alone on this. Not one bit.
I have days that the past haunts me too. I wish we never had to be reminded of those mistakes we've made. Best thing I can say? Just don't stay there in the past for too long. Turn around and see what you have now, what and who loves you. That is where I take my next step, towards the ones that I love and they love me back. Life is not something we should live perfect. Its how we all learn, its what makes us who we are.
Thinking of you.
One of the best pieces of advice I was ever given is that "Forgiving is what you do when you can't forget". Expecting either someone else to forget, or expecting that of ourselves, is impossible. Instead, I agree with one of the first posters that said to forgive, or be forgiven, we should try to make a sincere effort to make amends for any transgressions we've made.
The hardest part to me, though, is that you cannot let yourself remain tied to the "outcome" of your attempt to make amends...meaning, once you have tried to sincerely apologize, it is no longer in your control as to how the other person feels about it. Either they accept your apology, or they don't, and you can't continue to be tied to the way they feel in order to forgive yourself and move on.
Its a hard dynamic....the sincere apology should only be given for the other person, not to make yourself feel better, however, once it has been given, it should no longer be your issue to hold onto.
I am sorry you are struggling with something Jess, know I am thinking about you.
Oh wow...some days, I really am in this same place.
And, well, you know me...the only way I know to deal with these things is to turn them over to God somehow. I know that might not be helpful to everyone, though. But honestly, when I was in a bible study group last year with some other women, something I learned to do when my past transgressions started creeping up on me and making me want to beat myself up...I learned to start saying, "Come Holy Spirit" or "Come Lord Jesus, Come". This helped to banish the evil thoughts that were beginning to permeate my brain. Of course, I believe there's truly a devil who loves to prey on our insecurities and the #1 antidote to him is Lord, Jesus.
I agree with everyone who said that moving forward is probably the best course of action and trying to leave the past in the past. There's nothing that can be changed and forgiving yourself is just as important as others forgiving you.
And since you know me so well...you know that I am constantly working on taking my own bit of advice here. :)
You Tooje, are cursed only with the desire to strive for perfection.
You have done an amazing job - and you probably never (or rarely) get a pat on the back for it. Those pats are there though - look at the funny faces - look at those eyes that look at you (behind the camera) with love and adoration. Those little ones speak volumes in those silent photographs - about how much they are glad YOU are their mom.
Let go of the "could of/should of"s and look at the big picture - and think, if the world graded on a curve and gave allowances for "being human", you'd be an A+++
Heck, the time or two you "scolded me" has made me a better person -- you just don't know where "you've been".
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